Thoughts That Popped into My Head

• When Ginny and I were in Denver on business for a month (the same trip during which I took her to see a stripper and to see the movie Carrie) we drove down to Las Vegas for a weekend. (No, no, separate rooms, you swine). Ginny had never been there and had never gambled. I promised to teach her to gamble at craps.
  
  You need to know that Ginny was thrifty. She could pinch a penny until Old Abe begged for mercy.
  
  I took her to a table somewhere where she could make two dollar bets, and taught her the basics. As chance would have it, the dice were very cold and soon she was down six or eight dollars. Now even though that was perhaps one meal on her expense report, she became very crabby over it.
  
  "I don't like this. I don't feel good. My stomach hurts. I've got cramps."
  
  Sigh.
  
  "OK, let's go somewhere else."
  
  We walked to another casino, and as I guided us to another craps table she asked grumpily "Craps again?"
  
  I told her "I'll teach you a little system. Unless we get very unlucky, you'll win a few dollars."
  
  Please understand that there are no betting systems which will win at casino craps over the long run. There are, however betting systems with different approaches and goals, which make profits at varying paces until disaster strikes. Knowing that Ginny was never gonna let enough money slip through her fingers to qualify as a disaster, I taught her a little system that might bring in a few dollars.
  
  Fifteen minutes later she had recouped her losses, was perhaps ten dollars ahead, and was all smiles. "Oh, I like this, Donnie. Where are we going next?"
  
  
• BTW, that was a *long* drive, and we left late one Friday afternoon. Ginny asked if she might drive the first leg (we had a rental car, courtesy of our employer) and she drove until perhaps 9:00 PM.
  
  She made me crazy.
  
  The details are hazy now, as this happened more than thirty years ago, but in my mind I see three or four lanes on our side of the Interstate, and virtually no traffic.
  
  And Ginny driving at fifty miles an hour.
  
  Unless we came up on another vehicle going even slower, in which case she would pull in behind it and go slower still, until I reached over and turned the steering wheel about five degrees to start getting her into the next lane on the left.
  
  It was probably 8:30 or so, and pitch black in the Rockies. We were the only vehicle on either side of the Interstate. Doing fifty. This would be about a 750 mile drive and I was wondering whether we would get to Las Vegas in time for my funeral when Ginny saw headlights in her rear view mirror. Immediately she slowed down. Can you imagine?
  
  The headlights closed rapidly, as they would have if they were being carried by a pedestrian. Soon enough Ginny said in a panic "It's a police car!"
  
  He stayed behind us for a minute or two, then lit her up and she pulled over. A Colorado State Trooper walked up to the window and said "Good evening. Would you tell me why you're driving so slowly?"
  
  My body jerked slightly as I fought to contain the laughter, and the trooper looked at me suspiciously.
  
  Ginny, indignantly: "Well you made me NERVOUS, following me like that!"
  
  Now there were two of us struggling to contain ourselves.
  
  For the sake of the drill he asked a question or two - "Where are you going?" type questions, then smiled and said "You have a good time," and walked back to his vehicle.
  
  He probably thinks we're still on the way to Las Vegas.

A Las Vegas Quintet: Part V

BEST LAS VEGAS CRAPS SESSION

Eight of us had decided to spend a weekend in Las Vegas. We took different flights and stayed in different hotels, but pretty much stayed together for gambling and for meals. Most were going home Sunday afternoon, and so six of us were up very late Saturday night.

We were sitting in a small lounge toward the rear of Caesars, relaxing over drinks. It was perhaps two thirty in the morning when one of the women said, "I want to play some craps," stood up and began heading toward the casino. The rest of us fell in behind her and were soon approaching the tables.

It was a ghost town compared to its better hours. Only one craps table was in play, and I think only one blackjack table as well. One whole end of the craps table was empty, and I wound up next to a 30ish woman just as she received the dice, her husband having sevened out.

The game came to a halt for a moment while four of us bought chips. I was by this time a hundred dollar bettor, and used four thousand dollars of my line of credit.

I bet a hundred on pass, everyone's bets were down, and the shooter let them fly. She rolled a point number, I don't remember what, and I put two hundred behind my pass bet and a hundred on come. She rolled another "number" - for those of you who don't know, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, and 10 are "numbers" - and I backed up my first come bet with two hundred and made another come bet. She rolled a few more numbers, making a couple of my come bets for me, and then rolled her point.

Well, that was a good start. I put two hundred on the pass line, she rolled another point number, and I backed my bet up with four hundred. A couple more numbers and she made her point again.

There was a mild stir of excitement at the table and while the pass bets were being paid off I introduced myself. She was Judy (her real name, and all I know of it). She introduced me to her husband, and told me they were from St. Louis.

I bet three hundred, then four hundred, then five hundred, each time backing up my bets with double odds, and she continued to make points.

Well, let's see if she's serious,. I bet a thousand dollars, put a hundred on pass for "the boys" - the crew that was working the table - and put a hundred down beside her five dollar chip. She rolled a ten.

I put two thousand behind my bet and two hundred behind the bets for her and for the boys, turned to Judy, and said, "No fooling around now. We need this right back."

She threw the dice. FIVE FIVE!

As I began to absorb the fact that I had just won $5,000, she shrieked - she was a five dollar bettor and now eight hundred dollars richer. She turned to me and threw up her arms. I picked her up and swung her around to the right (hitting, I later learned, a blackjack player across the aisle).

Well, she made nine passes, which included my $1,100, $1,200, and $1,300 dollar bets, all points, no sevens along the way, which meant that my come bets kept paying off too.

On my $1,400 bet she rolled a point number and then sevened out. When the smoke cleared I was $30,000 ahead, and it all happened in perhaps twenty minutes. By the way, this was the first and only time I ever had $5,000 chips.

To this day, the six of us think of her and refer to her as "Judy from St. Louis."

This wraps up the "Las Vegas Quintet," so let me say that I don't mean to give the impression that I always won. There were some losing weekends too, including two consecutive trips during which I lost a total of $14,000. But my best guess is that I wound up somewhere between $30,000 and $40,000 ahead of the game (not counting the free first class air fares, hotel rooms,and meals), and it looks as if it will stay that way.

I don't have the craps "itch" any more. The last time I went to Las Vegas was more than fifteen years ago. I imagine I'd enjoy going once more just to see all the changes, but I don't miss the gambling. In fact, I've been back in the Chicago area for ten years now and haven't been to any of the riverboat casinos.

A Las Vegas Quintet: Part II

A FIFTY DOLLAR BETTOR

I guided Mandy around the casino, showing her the craps, roulette, blackjack, slot machines, etc. I gave her some gambling money and she tried a couple of games but just wasn't enthusiastic about any of them.

We had a drink or two and she decided to go up to the room to relax. I had explained to her that I had to gamble a certain amount to get the airfare refund and to be invited back, and she understood that.

As luck would have it, I walked up to a table just as it got hot. I'd bet $50 on the pass line and if a "number" was thrown I'd back it up with $100. If it hit I'd increase my bet to $100, then $150, and so on. I would also play a couple of $50 come bets.

As I said, the table got hot. It attracted a crowd - not many groups of strangers are friendlier than a group of craps bettors at a hot table. The crew working the table was super-friendly and occasionally helpful regarding my betting, and before I knew it I was ahead about $6,000. Someone sevened out and I decided to take a break.

I went up to the room and Mandy asked, "How'd you make out, Donnie?"

"I'm up about $6,000 and taking a little break."

Her jaw dropped and she asked if it wouldn't be wise to stop gambling right now. I told her that wasn't the plan. Remember?

We chatted a few minutes and I went back down to the casino. A few minutes later Mandy, who had been in her nightgown, was beside me at the table. She had called her closest girlfriend to give her the news. The girlfriend had advised her to get me to quit, and when she learned that it wasn't going to happen had said, "Tell him to bet $50 for me."

Mandy wanted $50 of action also, and handed me $100 in cash. I stuck it in my pocket and put a second pass bet of $50 on the table. The shooter rolled a six. I put $50 behind the original $50 and told Mandy "Give me another $50." She did and I added it to the odds bet.

Eventually the shooter made the six and Mandy and her girlfriend were now ahead $170. I put my next bet down and asked Mandy if she wanted to go again. She did and I put another $50 down. Nine, odds, nine again, another $200 profit for Mandy and her girlfriend.

I turned to Mandy and raised my eyebrows. She said, "Whatever you think, Donnie."

"You should take the money and get out, Mandy. You're underfunded."

"OK, Donnie." She stayed to watch me and on the very next attempt the shooter sevened out. I was definitely her hero that night.

I finished the night about $7,500 and several bourbon manhattans ahead of the game.

Mandy was back in bed when I got to the room. She had called her girlfriend again and they were hopping from foot to foot over having won several hundred dollars and over getting out of the game at exactly the right moment.

We talked about how the next several days would go. She didn't want to gamble and unless the dice went really bad I was going to be doing a lot of gambling. We agreed that we would have our meals together and take in a show or two. She said she wanted to spend some time at the pool and to do a little shopping, "Although I don't know how expensive things are here."

I gave her five one hundred dollar bills to use for her shopping, a gesture repeated the next two mornings as well, and she was in heaven. That woman could shop.

We did some fine dining Saturday and Sunday nights ("Spanish Steppes" in Caesars, no longer there, and a restaurant at the Frontier, "The Branding Iron" at the time, later "Justin's," also no longer there). We saw a Joan Rivers show, (warmed up by the Smothers Brothers with Jim Stafford), which was wonderful. I gambled, she shopped and sunbathed. The dice continued their run for me and I finished about $15,000 ahead for the trip and flew home with 130 hundred dollar bills in a trousers pocket.

Mandy was exhausted from her shopping - you should have seen us at the airport with all those shopping bags full of goodies. I, however, was still cranked. As we waited in the boarding area, she slumped in a chair and I hopped around, I began teasing her about various things. Finally, she looked up at me and said, "Donnie, I'll crush you like a bug."

On the plane I asked her what was her favorite part of the trip, and this divorced mom of a six year old girl said, "Lying by the pool and having someone bring me a drink."

NEXT: LAS VEGAS AGAIN

A Las Vegas Quintet: Part I

While living in downtown Chicago, I received a flyer from the Chicago office of Caesars Palace, inviting me on a junket. I knew nothing about the junkets, but I had been to Las Vegas a few times and played some blackjack and some craps. The latter was my favorite and I was a five dollar bettor.

I called the office to get the whole scoop. The deal was:

• I could go alone or with someone.
  
• I would write a check to Caesars for the airfare ($179 per person, if memory serves).
  
• I would get a line of credit with Caesars.
  
• Lodging and all meals and drinks in the hotel, whether restaurant, bar, or room service, would be free.
  
• I would gamble. If Caesars liked my action the airfare check would be returned to me uncashed.

I decided to take them up on it and to take my then current inamorata, Mandy, who had never been to Las Vegas.

With a goal of not only getting the airfare back but also being invited to go again, I did the math. I had to guess how much action it would take to satisfy them, and eventually I decided that if I became a fifty dollar bettor and played sanely, that I really wasn't at much risk. Yes, the dice could be very unkind and I could lose a lot, but it was unlikely over a period of three days. And I might even win with "normal" dice I figured to lose a little over the three days, but not enough so it would hurt and certainly not enough to cover the cost of the room, meals, and drinks.

I opened a $15,000 line of credit with Caesars, which required only that I notify my bank that Caesars would be calling to ask "If he wrote us a $15,000 check today, would it clear?" and to tell the bank that they should answer that question.

Came the day, and we flew to Las Vegas along with many others in a 707. We were bused to the hotel and got into a check-in line. When we reached the counter a young woman asked whether we wanted a room with or without a mirror in the canopy over the bed. I turned and asked, "Mandy?"

"Whatever you like, Donnie."

"Well, which would you prefer?"

"What. Ever. You. Want. Donnie."

"We'll take the one with the mirror."

While we were unpacking and settling in, I asked, "Why didn't you want to tell me which room you preferred?"

"It's too personal, Donnie."

NEXT: A FIFTY DOLLAR BETTOR